Reflections

It seems like when you write, you have to put your fantasy to the test, the knowledge you have accumulated over time, the ideas, so using all the tricks related to literature, so maybe only that which you wrote be permissive and to the reader’s taste. Often the inspiration you have at that time also intervenes.

Surely you will not be able to be everyone’s taste, you will impress everyone, and you can expect a lot of criticism, some very tough, but the fact that you are still reading (actually reading what you are writing) is a the first point gained in entering and not easy, hard but sure in the hearts of many and why not on the book market.

It’s a tough market, but maybe because of your abilities, you will succeed in the difficult attempt that is literary. It is not mandatory, as somebody told me, to have made the University of Literature, but if you were as self-taught and you read a lot, and if you have real abilities to write, you will surely do the words and words in the jungle beautiful, giving birth to selected writings, criticism being beneficial many times, if not bad too bad.

Trying (not dead) is extraordinary, the more that life is a novel, often unwritten, of random images that are lost in the darkness of time. It is quite true and that literature distinguished individuals who have or had directly related to the art of writing or, poets, journalists, teachers, and many people with skills innate or extraordinary vision who litter on paper what they actually had in their heads, stories or novels, or lifetime happenings, great ideas that ultimately generated masterpieces of literature becoming so famous.

Fame, maybe it’s too much to say is often linked and chance or luck, depends on what you write. (Obviously, it is a personal opinion)

But others have worked hard to get famous, and yet they have arrived after a very long time without enjoying the celebrity, although they have managed to leave behind them chosen writings read by all, becoming shadows in the tunnel time.

This is life, but with a lot of work, you have the pleasure, the ones like a little moment, others later, but that you enjoy and still cause you to go on. But how far?

When you are young you choose a life model that will guide you for a while, be it a famous movie character or a famous character from a book that you liked very much in those times, or a character famous in the world of science, what will at one point create your personality and mold you as a man, what are you going to continue to face. That does not mean that your parents do not have a hard word to say in your training, but you in the subconscious dream of your chosen hero.

Nobody and nothing stopped me from reading as much as possible, however, there were no better alternatives at the time, but for me it was a heavenly hand and a charity for the simple reason that I loved it, and I had pleasant sensations then when I was looking at a good book.

For example, in winter and summer sessions at the University before the exams I read a lot. Being at a Technical University, I had multiple possibilities to read, and I would learn about the exams 2-3 days before. The session at the end of the year was about 1 month long, exams being scheduled for about a week. So I had time to go to the university library and borrow a lot of books, reading about one or many times two books a night.

We slept the day and read the night. I usually borrow books of philosophy, history, literature, and light police books that relaxed me a lot. The University Library knew me very well, always by its goodwill, remembering everything that was best in my library, and I often recommend some books that we do not know yet.

I was walking outside than on just one or two hours to ventilate my brain and energize me for the nights that were to follow. I did not need technical books because I had to buy them, and during classes during the year I went and wrote a lot, having the chance to remember very well, the memory helps me very hard, as it is now.

I did not have anyone, a good friend to spend my spare time, so just as I had been learning, I read, the movies did not really care about me because they were often of poor quality, not all, but those that it really feel is worth seeing either I could not find tickets or I did not have enough money in my pocket to buy, so I retired, to the passion for reading was far too great compared to other things I could do.

I had few friends, but every time I met them, I prefer not to accompany them to parties, or sophisticated freaks, or to a beer restaurant, since I did not want to scare myself without enough money to have them, I paid for my consumption even if they insisted and promised me they would pay.

You will laugh if you say I was on scholarship to the University, but the money they receive scholarship gave the cards and keep for personal needs when they arose, money party I had never more while spending on goods photographers another passion of mine.

Sometimes, I’m sorry that life offered me and other prospects or opportunities, so I tried to make the most of it even though it was meager, my soul friends making books. Now, however, when I look in retrospective of those years, I still enjoy what I did, even if my University colleagues and friends were rightly considering me as “an office mat.”

And rightly, I ask a natural and pertinent question, why did not I start writing? They do it now, but it remains to be seen how well they do.

In the beginning, there were no technical tendencies, Hmmm…some say that you are born with them, I do not know, but parents, when they guided my steps towards the future, thought to follow the technical path though I had totally and completely other inclinations towards literature and beautiful arts. But what could we do? They were the only ones who could give me financial help. Moreover, there is not the freedom I needed and which nowadays benefit young people, although they do not know how to appreciate it at its true value.

I do not want to repeat myself, but those times were pretty heavy “black” and did not have much perspective, and people were limited in thinking, not everyone, but most people talked, and not everyone had “open mind” those few in number who had been abroad, and had seen something else, a different system of thought and another conception of life. That does not mean, however, that they were not clever and clever in what they were doing.

I do not want to criticize my parents, because it is neither nice nor elegant, however, as far as I am concerned, although they have been very wrong in choosing my future, that did not prevent me from doing what I wanted but later.

It has greatly succeeded me, but I have a lot of work to do either with myself about the concepts gained over the years, or with changing them according to new life and what I want to do next. My conviction is that I will succeed.

At one point, however, as I did when I was a student, I was reading night after night, now for a more effective relaxation, combining literature with good music. What does this mean? Whenever I read at the same time listening to music, depending on what I read and the function of the state of mind that I am in those moments, listening either to classical music or crossover music, in this way creating for me a visual therapy and the audience that transposes me into a totally special world, detaching me completely from what the real world means.

The sensation is absolutely gorgeous, trying to enter the character of the novel on different tones, without perceiving the smallest noise of the real world, thus living between two parallel months, being positioned at the border between the two, with the soul in the virtual area physics in the real area. Is it crazy? Of course, not. So you create a state of extraordinary comfort, detaching yourself from everything that really means, trying to make the magic of musical arrangements, to have that mood that enjoys and relaxes at the same time.

So I try with photographic art, with photography in general, I create in my mind frames of frames either static or in motion, I set a focal point between the three dimensions, create the perspective and make the photograph (obviously mentally).

I am aware that maybe it does not always succeed, but most of the time it does, not only at the mental level but also because when you reach the areas that you want to be immortalized in the photo taken into consideration and the influence factors surrounding. At that moment I come out with the photo you wanted, it’s not very hard, all this time being linked to will and why not to vision.

The sensation is great, especially when you do not have a subject, you are looking for something to photograph, in this way from a thing that is seemingly insignificant, you realize a special photographic image, the subject having meaning, the consistency becoming a picture of art.

In other words, if you can, and even if you miss going on, and always trying for it and what loss, but only to win.

May 31 ^st / 2018

Symphony sad … Spring

Time passes ruthlessly fast, everything passes, seconds pass like the waves of the sea on a deserted beach, even I aged and it is normal to be so, although I often come to realize honestly, I cannot stop the clock with my hand.

Obviously, I cannot stop the cycle of life as it pleases, and when you look in the mirror, you find with regret, the bags under the eyes, the ribbons of the skin, gathered in time by the fatigue and the passage of time.

You ask your question, why cannot I stop the time? Why do I feel the younger soul than at first if the cheat appearance? Can I really do nothing for me? Something to make me float, dream and laugh as I was at the beginning? And even if we feel fatigue ignore it and say, I do not care?

Often in the park, I sit on a bench next to a fountain and watch the endless chaotic water movement as if it were a ballet from a fantastic symphony, great movement that is printed on the retina of the eyes and not only so, I listen to the noise produced by this by associating it with a musical note at every movement, enjoying the jump to heaven or the disordered fall of the water.

The moment is remarkable as I remember in that second from the unseen and hidden synapses of the brain, some pleasant memories, some less pleasant, no matter what my desire on a musical background, sometimes delicate, noisy at other times.

You think of friendship. In fact, friendship is a remarkable quality, if you know how to take it, preserve it in such a way that you can benefit from it not only in the delicate moments of life but also in the most cherished moments, depending on the level you place.

However, it depends very much on the quality of man, on the feelings he shares with you, or even on others, whether he is interested in something or not.

I only had one, let’s say by occasional friends, based only on interest, but not on my part but on others who wanted and claimed the so-called friendship. But most of the time, in making friendship, I have come to the conclusion that rather than having such people, I rather give up friendship and try to look only for those people who really want to be my friend.

In school I had many friends, but once it was over, my friendships went away, they were erased, they were dusty for various reasons independent of my will.

Today so, tomorrow so, regretfully but as time passed I was left with no friends, although many times I would have liked it, I can download the soul of a friend or to consult over a certain problem and we would have found the solution through an open discussion.

Friendship is a sacred thing, or so I consider myself, but when you rely solely on interest, be it another, better give it up because in these conditions becomes a business unprofitable in terms of soul thus losing its noble friendship quality.

For example, after many years I had a male friend in college, and besides being colleagues, we were in the same class even teammates in a basketball team, with other words were inseparable.

Frankly, I enjoyed it very much when I found it, though I knew it was more than 25 years ago when he emigrated to the United States. Working at the City Hall at that time, he came to me to help him with a lot of problems, selling the house, or having problems getting a passport faster or with other problems that I could help him solve faster from the privileged position we were at that time.

I did not hesitate to do it, because nothing it cost me, I could even help him, and I did. I remember then that I spoke honestly to him and asked him if we were friends forever or we were breaking up as if nothing had happened, relying in that moment on his sincerity and his quality of man as he did I knew from school.

His answer was yes, which I’m also very happy, even if he was leaving and the distance between him and me was great.

The years have passed, but my sentimental friendship with him has remained. The technology has advanced so that I have been able to look him up even though he has lived in the United States for many years. The joy was very big when it gave him his name on a social network thinking myself in turn that he can help me with some information about the step that he did some years ago, I want to do it now.

But I never thought it would be cold and far away from me, and God is my witness, that I would never have asked for money, even if I had gone through difficult times or done something, would have surpassed the boundary of legality in the United States, or secret information, on the contrary they were public but I did not know where to look for him.

After two weeks, he wrote to me that he enjoyed contacting him, although from the contents of the letter (email) on the social network, reading between words was something other than joy, something that I honestly did not expect. Of course I had the decency not to ask for the information I needed, but to my surprise, he gave me the email address that he had and I could write to him with the clarification that he does not use it because he finds it useless to him.

His answer just shocked me, then why did he give it to me? It seems to have forgotten where he went and who helped him a lot. And yet I wrote to that address in the hope of receiving an answer, perhaps because of the need for communication, or perhaps, I know, in the desire to be elegant even though I knew I would never get an answer. Obviously it happened I did not get any answer, and probably will not get any one, but for me it remained a friendship was only missed because of interest on his part.

I often stood and asked why could I never be such a man? And I’ve always put my soul and my soul mate in the fight for a friendship, when it’s actually been a scam to my face, but I did not want to see it, it hurt me, but because I really needed some information him.

Another time I gave up a friendship because a person, I do not know why, had become an incurable drunk, and any discussion with him had to finish at the car, a situation that I did not support, and I put it end quickly even though I have been friends at the buckle for a very long time, so that I do not become a notorious drinker.

And so, with the passage of time, I have not grasped to have a real friend here in the country. And yet I have a very good friend, with whom I share everything , or better say everything that means secrets, special impressions, sometimes technical discussions, and perhaps more than a friendship, giving them the most precious gift they have from me, my love, my soul and my heart. She is a special, special person and why not considered as my muse, she always inspires me, guides my steps in the tumultuous vibration of life and always gives me when I have moments of madness or sadness a clean and innocent smile. She always tells me a good word when it’s needed, because I feel close to her just as I also feel close to my soul.

So I think it should be a true friendship, with no hidden interests, always based on unconditional mutual help, and when there are critical moments in life, because not always everything is pink, and have who you rely on and who help you with a kind word, sometimes a good word said at time it matter much more than futile actions. Is not it too good to be true? Not always your relatives are very close because, even if there is blood, you often envy and they do not always want good for you, because it is based on the folkloric principle “If my goat dies, let the neighbor’s goat dies too…”

God, I never liked to have such a bad feeling, better friendship of a pet, than a friend whose love is disinterested, and wolfish.

I’m glad, however, that I have the strength to resist such temptations, which can instigate good intentions.

“Sun Tzu in the Nobility Art of War said: The right and straight path is called (rope) while those tortuous and torment are called (cord). Those who are on the right path will go well, while those who are in a tortured way, die half way. “

So in life, those who have many weaknesses suffer many deceptions and defeats.

May 24 ^th / 2o18

Relaxation or active rest?

The fact that you live in a big city, daily full of agitation, the fact that you are forced to go by car to work or even if you stay at home, you are stressed, a condition that most often creates conditions combined with fatigue, anxiety, frustrations and other permanent nervous states.

That does not make you nervous or you cannot control, can mean an automatic daily in a society full of “robots” that tends to infinity till the retirement, or may interfere with the body with diseases that cannot always be avoided, or treated just as if only if you manage in one way or another to organize yourself daily, and obviously have a healthy body.

It’s true, this is the sinusoidal spiral of life, the rhythm of everyday life. But what do you need to get rid of these daily negative energies? Whether you go to a massage in a spa or find a chaos in this chaos you are trying to load with positive energies or in other places where you enjoy it and you can discharge the negative energies from the body accumulated over time or during the day. But can you?

Most of the time, the tired fatigue fills you up, and you do not want to do anything, even the end of the week is often not enough. And yet there are ways in which if you yourself impose yourself simply escaping in nature and even doing it, you can relax very well even if not altogether, but you bounced and start a new week better than if you were not done it. But for that you need a great dose of ambition and an extraordinary will with all the impediments that may arise.

I am convinced that I am not mistaken, but on the contrary I am trying to join those who need it, as I myself have gone through such states being fully admitted to negative energy.

I do not want to do the job psychologist but I’m trying to make you do it what I actually did. You cannot even imagine how much a day spent with the Mother Nature at the green grass in the woods, even more so that Nature encourages you to be happy, write something, photograph, plan future plans thus stimulating your hidden creativity in an exceptionally splendid environment.

For example, I am in a big city at a distance of about 150 km from the Montana area and at a distance of 250 km from the Black Sea, distances that if I feel good to think about most of the time I cannot quantify them, for that they do not go as when I want to do something more special for my soul, they do not matter anymore by becoming numbers in a mathematical insight.

How did I start thinking about this new stage in my life and how to get rid of daily worries, thinking more deeply about my soul and the state of stress I was exposed to?

One evening, the hot summer, after many searches on the internet for beautiful places to spend a few days, I was deeply disappointed (obviously the balance of payments I had to pay, invoices, please many more) and not because I did not find what I wanted, but for the reasons explained above, but the accumulated fatigue and stress got me up. I said to myself that I was looking for the next day, so leaving next to the computer, I decided to sleep as good a good night’s sleep as well as the fact that night is a good advisor, who knows I will quickly find the answer to the questions that I have put to you, thus finding the best solution to do how do you get along in such a way not to spend too much money and the benefits of relaxation. He said, and with a heavy head, with confused feelings, I straightened up to bed, hoping to relax and get rid of the stress of the day. But what did Mona give me peace? No, on the contrary, he came to the edge of the bed, got up on the back of his pants and looked directly into my eyes, saying to me, praying: My boyfriends are not worried? Do not you caress me a little before you fall asleep? Come on, please? Her two black eyes slammed me like two lances of fire, parading my face…

Obviously I did it because I knew evening, evening made her a habit of being caressed, kissed, her way of getting rid of negative energies by attracting them to her, thus making positive energies , with whom she was used to release them before bedtime. And when you think that she is an innocent animal, unknowable, but who, by her involuntary power, creates a state of total peace, tranquility that ultimately falls asleep. What God? It is my feast that I keep from all my heart, and I love her very much.

Finally, I fell asleep, but what to see right from the state of sleep before sleep, the eyelids were left in the eyes like two heavy curtains, thus eliminating the light of the moon, which was discreetly and diaphanously penetrating through the windows, making myself easy as a flake floating freely between two worlds, wakefulness and deep, pleasant sleeping state, entering the insatiable vault of the unreal world, the wonderful world of dreams, all of a dark blue color, creating a pleasant sensation.

The world of dreams, I can characterize it gorgeous because I dreamed that I was in an area where I had been several times but who whenever I went there, as if it was the first time, everything was done sequentially like film shots unfolding on a slow, diaphanous music. It was made that I was going to Oltenia to the Oltet keys, the Polovragi Monastery and the Polovragi Cave on the so-called “road of bones” as I rightfully characterized it, since the area is of a special magic being filled with positive energies and negative energies, because when you enter the Oltet Gorge, civilization stays behind walking on a road separating two worlds through an unseen gate, imagined between the present and the past.

What’s interesting is that even the air temperature drops by 8-10 degrees Celsius compared to the normal temperature as the sun’s rays do not enter easily in that area because of the abundant vegetation, the rocks of the mountain forming like a roof of untouched beauty and somewhere at a distance not very large being the Polovragi Cave.

At the entrance to this beautiful area, there is the Polovragi Monastery, which stops as a barrier the end of the main street of Polovragi commune, the main courtyard of the monastery being guarded to the left by the Capatanii Mountains, and to the right of the Parang Mountains giving the impression of perfect natural fortification vertically a .

It is said that it is more than 500 years old (it was built around 1505) and as founders the Basarab the Tanar (1477-1481), the monastery being built on the old foundation, Constantin Brancoveanu being considered the third founder of monastery.

The painting of the church is extremely valuable as it was executed in 1713 by Constantin the Painter, and recoded a few years ago.

At first, the monastery was made of wood, as later to be built of stone, according to historical data, the stone walls surround it without the wooden walls of the old monastery being removed.

In the ancient Dacian faith the Dacian fortresses were watched by the Zamolxis god, assuming according to local legends that there is a secret tunnel linking the fortress on Mount Padis (1000m) to the Polovragi Cave which is about 200-300m near the entrance Keys, at the same time saying that Zamolxis was coming in and out of his secret home in the mountains, home being the Polovragi Cave.

Starting from the monastery on that forest road to the cave, on the bank of the Oltet River, the view becomes impressive as we have already mentioned, the road being of a great fever, the entrance to the cave being impressive, great but hiding many secrets of our ancestors.

It also says that the most sacred place is loaded with different energies, as home Zamolxis god worshiped by ancient Dacia, is a mysterious place occur in various forms phenomena unexplained certain DURATION of time. Thanks to these, the cave is also called the Bermuda Triangle of Oltenia.

Inside the cave there is the Zamolxis chair, and a picture of an ancient monk in the black smoke technique, which is the symbol of death.

Polovragi Cave could not be explored for many years, as it is now, for various reasons, rumored that the Dacian gold would have hidden at the end of the cave, many who dared to seek him either in old age or now dying tragically because of Zamolxis’s Curse on it.

Interesting and nice, isn’t it? And when you think it was just a dream that was shattered like a cloud of smoke when I woke up.

And yet it was not like this because two days after the strange dream, I did not decide to go there, especially since I had not been for decades when I was running along with my father after strange rocks in the mountains! I could not know that the beauty of these areas actually hides the earth-quaking magicians of my ancestors, from where I know that once I visit them I will want to come back there and know that those negative energies that I was loaded at a moment will disappear as if by charm.

When you think this magical area is very close to Transalpina, the road that connects Oltenia to Transylvania through the mountains, the area is full of history and unpredictable legends unknown to me until then.

As the village and the monastery, they have lived for centuries under the foot of Mount Parang with one leg in Jiu to the west and another in Olt to the east, the monastery opening a true gate to the sky both to the prelate and to the visitor, being a place where the tradition the Geto-Dacian gangs interfere with the prayers of the monks that mediate the healing of our rebellious souls, and the cave gives you the prospect of returning over time to the former Dacian god Zamolxis thus creating an uninterrupted connection with the sacredness of our Geto-Dacian ancestors dating back to the fourth century before Christ.

Thus, some of my dreams have become reality, but my question is, are the other dreams with more profound connotations when they become reality?

May, 15 ^th / 2018

Dialogue with myself…

At some point I do not care, but after many observations on a site that I post photos, so I’m a blogger so, and from time to time I write some more, more about me trying to put in value, my desires, my aspirations, my aspirations, or what I believe God has endowed me with.

Sometimes reading I realize what I do, whether I try to be fashionable as a blogger, or I try to make myself known. Even if what I write could be considered naive literature, I try to expose the exposed photographs to offset the naivety of what I write and to capture as much as the interest of one or the other on the blog.

Unfortunately, but unnecessary, because only a certain segment of bloggers are interested in what I post. I do not want to like it because I do not use it for anything, except it can leave a footprint of ephemeral passes through which someone looks at them, and only so.

Very few comment, even I use this principle because of the lack of available time. Is today’s technology limited to just that?

Art, art, art often lost illusions, desperate dreams, or perhaps some kind of time. Each of us has something to say, to show to others, and when there are many exciting things, really interesting, they are not noticed, sometimes avoided by many, and even commented in a negative way.

I’m not the one able to express myself, but let’s just say a little review of what we have done so far and maybe what I did not, but I would like to do.

But if you are good to think everything, but absolutely everything is reduced to money, which is rightly said (that money is the eye of the Devil), they do not smell, that’s it. Life is a poetry for many, but if you do not have a full stomach, you cannot think, you cannot write, you cannot create, paraphrasing a famous quote in this way.

That gives us today’s society, this alternative as being a spam coming into your life and you cannot get rid of you and stem indifferent security you are using, once again proving the cruel reality of our everyday life.

Too few remain among those who “consume art” or “devour art”, generally it is that when the entrance to the museum is free to stand in, I know very well that because I have seen with my own eyes, either because they have nothing to do that night, whether they have nothing to watch on television or simply bored with the internet.

The education of many young people today is brief, precarious, the simple date of some parents who have been accustomed to themselves as well as their parents. And so on. If you go for example on ordinary days when it is not crowded and you want to relax, either to look closer to the paintings of some great masters is also complicated because the ticket prices are rather stiff for ordinary people with low incomes and if you want to take pictures are aberrantly big if you are seen at the entrance with a professional device, as if you do not know what profits from that photo, even if you do it for your soul.

Go to libraries and libraries to search for books, whether to buy or borrow, see fewer and fewer people. I wonder, why?

Art is not yet a way of relaxing the brain? Each of us is a little bit artist our way of being, to create something to do, later not to be ashamed of when the time of the truth comes, and the time at which you will take stock of what did you do, asking yourself a question, what am I doing nice and useful in this life?

It’s great for yourself to see, visualize what you have created, and enjoy yourself as if future generations can read or watch them as you always wanted, and so in this way you are soaking your merits. But most people do not have such a vision , they are not interested, they enjoy the moment, they live the moment without ever thinking about the future or what will follow.

No longer than yesterday, for example, I have seen on TV a story about two obscure actors of our contemporary life, second hand actors who although artists have not done much, either in life or on stage. I for one do not remember that they be excelled with some devices than that when I saw them I do not like indifferent of his roles, but later said they have found serenity and peace of mind in other countries like England or Spain, in other words, they have moved permanently there. And at some point you ask yourself the question why did they do that?

By this approach I have understood that they have found their purpose, purpose, and I believe that even though life is not easy for them, even if the language barrier is quite large, it can still be passed over time and with a lot of work.

That’s why I admire them and I cherish them because they had the power and the courage to take their lives away from absolutely nothing, but I do not admire others who, in various forms, talk about nationalism but having a domicile in another country.

At one point, I could do the same thing they did, I would do the same, not to talk about nationalism, but to move me elsewhere. And why?  In order to be respected for what I do and for what I want to do from now on.

The opening to a new life was given to me at a certain moment by a bank director who, among other things, had the courage to tell me:

“What do you do with the specializations and licenses you have in various fields and for which you have worked hard to get them if you cannot benefit from them to achieve what you want?” I said he was supported to get where I wanted … and is not he right?, well, yes, even a lot of justice.

I know someone who, at one point, has done with the help and support of a benevolent one, who probably liked it.

But I have no one and I have to work a lot, so I can do something, but I often fail, and that’s what makes me psychic. I did not want to cry or attract the mercy of one or the other, but only to show “the tragic fate,” if I am allowed to express myself like that, of one who is trying hard to promote his own art.

It is quite difficult and difficult and as I am, it is also younger than me. Those who are right are not interested in others, but at a certain moment I cannot see with sadness “what price do you have to pay for it,” thus putting my lid on top of me and pulling away from reality.

And yet I do not give up, because I do not want the dough from which I’m build I do not allow it, but I will go further as my karma and my conscience dictate, even if I would turn the world backwards.

It will take into account the criticism but the people really feel something for me and love me wholeheartedly and believe in my creative potential, and I hope what I do to gain true artistic value.

That’s why I’m going forward, and I keep going even though sometimes I’m taking a few steps back like a crab.

And as a natural compensation of what I have done so far are the photos that I have posted, which express life, continuous movement, but which mostly hide other stories that I still have no courage to tell or tell them, and which often even hide, and alternative feelings or frustrations in my rebellious soul, which can only be deciphered in parallel mirrors. Is the key hidden there? But whoever has the courage to look for it, she certainly could find her … But who?

May 6^th / 2018

The Confession of a Humble Servant of Life

Yes, maybe I should also see the realities that it surrounds me, not always, but I want, or I want it because I am indulging in the idea of living in my virtual reality, and only mine, or perhaps I want to see life , or how I want to do it. But, honestly, I love her, and that makes me happy, which matters much to me.

Perhaps that is why they belong to the category of higher order beings, namely, the “man” with a profoundly determined thought, and not from the animal kingdom, of the traitors like the snake or the frame, with a scalar type nervous system, incoherent but balanced by regeneration Own.

I am the village of the ideas of some or others, and perhaps that is why this conception that I approached. I’m tired of the weird moments of life that have distorted me and made it many times in a nightmare that was hard to bear, but which I managed to get through my strange way, to be.

Here, I did not give up even though life it was not easy in any way, always lifting my head from the land and telling me “you have the power to move on, so do it.”

As proof, I can say that, for example, in the high school years I attended after the general school, I had more friendships, and even though I would have liked to be lasting until today, they did not resist. Why? God knows that I do not know why, but because I had beautiful, special moments, but that later caused me great problems because of the unfortunate communist regime that apparently wanted to give you a beautiful life, but misleading and miserable if you knew it deeper. However good it ended with 1989…

In high school, I met a girl named Patricia, a beautiful name full of hidden promises, with which I was talking a lot of things and I was telling a lot about life as much as I knew and learned from books.

I do not know how friendship came in, I do not know what attracted me very much, she was two years younger than me but she was not born in Bucharest like me but in Lima in Chile and came to Bucharest with her family better called the refugee after the bloody coup has been there since 1973.

Tiny stature, with a black hair like the ebony, two big black eyes sinking like a tiger in African forests, candies and innocents. Was that the reason for the knowledge and later friendship? I do not know.

But what really got us near was the need for communication, between two completely different cultures, the fact that it was not taken into account by anyone, did not talk to anyone, and most of the time was withdrawn and isolated from colleagues.

Guaranteed, bad mouths would say something else, but I felt the need and the desire to know it more closely, and I can say that at first it was not the natural attraction between a boy and a girl, but something else special.

We usually leave school a few stops and talk a lot, she was very educated because her parents were university professors in the country where she came from and from which I had a lot to learn.

Later, however, I was also told to say that beautiful and innocent love feeling between a boy and a girl. The reality is that until then I did not feel that feeling because I was always very preoccupied to learn, to read, to develop my thinking for a career in life. The feeling of love, however, seemed to have something special in my soul, like a spring breath, feeling something sweet, floating between us like a wind-float on the water, then becoming slightly aggressive without being able to deal with it and responding as.

But what I know is that I felt more and more dependent on her, and the daily desire to talk to her about her, and why not to hold her arms and kiss her with passion. God, strange and profound feeling, and why lying very pleasant.

I went with her anywhere, either at a cake in the city or at a coffee shop to drink juice and coffee, or present it to my buddies since then as my soul mate, we were doing everything to spend as much time together as possible feel the velvety skin of her hands and look at her with love and sympathy in her eyes. Nice feeling…Time was no longer quantified, I did not know how it passed but I did not even care, my idol was EA.

Well, at one point I finished high school, she had two years to finish. Meanwhile, I had to learn for the exam that was supposed to support me for the entrance to the University. I was so busy, having not had much time to meet her and talk as I had done before.

I was talking on the phone many times, but my love affection persists, not being equal to any other concern for me.

I was advised by friends and parents to break contact with her, to destroy the relationship sentimental could create my very great trouble in upcoming career, concepts in acceptance of my not-and would instead consider them hostile to me even if by their simplistic primate thinking, they felt this, telling me and repeating that life could offer me even better prospects, even if I did not believe them, the proof being that I could not I do not even forget today.

How can God forget the first true love? It was a very difficult time for me (exam at La University, the happiness generated by the passage of all the exams because at that time we were obliged to enter the army before University is true with a short term that means about 9 months, which means a much bigger split for me than the girl I loved, but that was and I did not have anywhere.

She was not allowed to come and visit because she was considered a foreign citizen (though I would have wanted it all the time) and when I was on the leave I had to hide to visit her without knowing the state authorities, it was risky because if I found out those in security would have followed me in the snake hole, and yet we all risked it very much and met so we enjoyed our freedom to be together for even a few hours.

I do not know if you realize, the risks I was subjected to, but the love for her true and pure.

And yet it has not worked for a long time. One day, I did propose to write to her a few words, because I had not seen her for a long time, and even if I was in the army, I assumed the risk by thinking that maybe they would not find out. What would have happened if by a few words I told her what I felt for her? Nothing important to others but to me, because that’s how I felt closer to my soul.

This letter, however, (put the lid on the pot) and gave the start to the nightmare to follow. A few days after sending the letter (the lawyer had been intercepted), I was called a colonel I had not heard of before, and I had never seen it, but of which I was told from certain sources that she was working on secret documents. I was sitting and thinking about what I had with the secret documents, because I had never seen it before. Strange is not it?

I presented myself to him because I did not have anywhere, and he told me to talk to him about myself. I was a bit disoriented because I did not know what to say about myself, but he insisted on me telling him, not realizing in those moments where he actually wanted to. From the discussions, I noticed that he knew many things about me, and even many sensitive things in the history of my existence, which confirmed to me that it was from security (or I’m praying from the state’s security) still not understanding what was actually the topic of the discussion and where it wanted to reach.

Young, even naive, I was not familiar with such discussions or versed in such discussions, not even with my parents. Finally, I actually realized what was the theme, that letter I was sending to Patricia, from army, my Romanian-German army colleagues, and actually my relationship with them. They even knew my appointments during the leave with her, things that I thought were my secrets, and not known to others.

I told him I was not talking to her about the army, military strategists, or I knew of military equipment, these being fabulous, of some who probably had nothing to do but the love that kissed me in the soul. Even with my friends we did not talk about it, I did not really care. My impression was that someone I was a friend with of mine just pounded me, why?

I do not know if he or she believed me or not, I care a little about it knowing that I did not do anything wrong with anyone, but he kept telling me that if I continue this way I may lose a lot, the exam admissions from the University and the quality of my student.

It was only then that I realized that it had gone from fine threats and threats to direct and harsh threats that honestly did not drop me well. Was I wronging with the regime? Finally, it was very clear what my friendship with the girl I loved had to stop, being a forbidden friendship for many, which was an obstacle to my future career as an engineer.

Anyone who knew that would have acted as I did, but inside my soul. It’s a very long move for me, a movement that has affected me enormously, and it’s very hard for me to come back.

I promised I would not write to her anymore, and among other things told me (intent not to) that it would be good, to go to tell him if I was questioned or asked by different people on military issues or other topics. But I have never done what happened to me as I was not their informant, but I just did not want to do this as a direct affront to human dignity and integrity as a human being.

Here is how, through an unfortunate accident, I came to know them and to understand that all the rumors of such practices were true, making a bad contour in my mind, that those who told such stories were real.

I was happy that the discussion had ended, and that I got rid of him quit cheaply, so it was in my mind, not realizing that they were following me to see what my intentions were.

And now I wonder what miserable intent could a 20-year-old have in those troubled times?

This is one of the reasons that today hate the talk about politics or politicians. Then I was thinking what I could do. But my great ambition I had, however, determined me to go forward with all the hardships I had been through, trying to accomplish something in my life that I would not be ashamed of later on.

Too many things I could not accomplish, as I wanted, I would have liked, I would have liked it, but those few things that I did have given me maximum satisfaction.

We’ve gone through times when if you had money you did not buy, and now it’s the same, you have what you buy but you do not have money. When I remember the power I once had to give up an innocent and pure love, innocence, because of external forces contrary to my interests, obscure, evil and evil forces, I am now darkening my sight, the more I realize more so that God showed me and enlightened the way, and guided me through this obscure shame filled with evil, thus protecting me.

Why do things have to be hell with us or our peers? Or is it a balance in the balance of life?

Otherwise, the reality is much harder, and then, most of the time, to escape, you close yourself in an ivory tower to protect yourself from the harmful forces and balance yourself as you want it. (Can psychologists today characterize it by a seemingly unpredictable, and finally what if?). You do not care. I often ask myself, what will I decide on my destiny from now on? I’m king, crazy or horse, on a 64-inch square in black and white…

May, 2nd / 2018