The Confession of a Humble Servant of Life
Yes, maybe I should also see the realities that it surrounds me, not always, but I want, or I want it because I am indulging in the idea of living in my virtual reality, and only mine, or perhaps I want to see life , or how I want to do it. But, honestly, I love her, and that makes me happy, which matters much to me.
Perhaps that is why they belong to the category of higher order beings, namely, the “man” with a profoundly determined thought, and not from the animal kingdom, of the traitors like the snake or the frame, with a scalar type nervous system, incoherent but balanced by regeneration Own.
I am the village of the ideas of some or others, and perhaps that is why this conception that I approached. I’m tired of the weird moments of life that have distorted me and made it many times in a nightmare that was hard to bear, but which I managed to get through my strange way, to be.
Here, I did not give up even though life it was not easy in any way, always lifting my head from the land and telling me “you have the power to move on, so do it.”
As proof, I can say that, for example, in the high school years I attended after the general school, I had more friendships, and even though I would have liked to be lasting until today, they did not resist. Why? God knows that I do not know why, but because I had beautiful, special moments, but that later caused me great problems because of the unfortunate communist regime that apparently wanted to give you a beautiful life, but misleading and miserable if you knew it deeper. However good it ended with 1989…
In high school, I met a girl named Patricia, a beautiful name full of hidden promises, with which I was talking a lot of things and I was telling a lot about life as much as I knew and learned from books.
I do not know how friendship came in, I do not know what attracted me very much, she was two years younger than me but she was not born in Bucharest like me but in Lima in Chile and came to Bucharest with her family better called the refugee after the bloody coup has been there since 1973.
Tiny stature, with a black hair like the ebony, two big black eyes sinking like a tiger in African forests, candies and innocents. Was that the reason for the knowledge and later friendship? I do not know.
But what really got us near was the need for communication, between two completely different cultures, the fact that it was not taken into account by anyone, did not talk to anyone, and most of the time was withdrawn and isolated from colleagues.
Guaranteed, bad mouths would say something else, but I felt the need and the desire to know it more closely, and I can say that at first it was not the natural attraction between a boy and a girl, but something else special.
We usually leave school a few stops and talk a lot, she was very educated because her parents were university professors in the country where she came from and from which I had a lot to learn.
Later, however, I was also told to say that beautiful and innocent love feeling between a boy and a girl. The reality is that until then I did not feel that feeling because I was always very preoccupied to learn, to read, to develop my thinking for a career in life. The feeling of love, however, seemed to have something special in my soul, like a spring breath, feeling something sweet, floating between us like a wind-float on the water, then becoming slightly aggressive without being able to deal with it and responding as.
But what I know is that I felt more and more dependent on her, and the daily desire to talk to her about her, and why not to hold her arms and kiss her with passion. God, strange and profound feeling, and why lying very pleasant.
I went with her anywhere, either at a cake in the city or at a coffee shop to drink juice and coffee, or present it to my buddies since then as my soul mate, we were doing everything to spend as much time together as possible feel the velvety skin of her hands and look at her with love and sympathy in her eyes. Nice feeling…Time was no longer quantified, I did not know how it passed but I did not even care, my idol was EA.
Well, at one point I finished high school, she had two years to finish. Meanwhile, I had to learn for the exam that was supposed to support me for the entrance to the University. I was so busy, having not had much time to meet her and talk as I had done before.
I was talking on the phone many times, but my love affection persists, not being equal to any other concern for me.
I was advised by friends and parents to break contact with her, to destroy the relationship sentimental could create my very great trouble in upcoming career, concepts in acceptance of my not-and would instead consider them hostile to me even if by their simplistic primate thinking, they felt this, telling me and repeating that life could offer me even better prospects, even if I did not believe them, the proof being that I could not I do not even forget today.
How can God forget the first true love? It was a very difficult time for me (exam at La University, the happiness generated by the passage of all the exams because at that time we were obliged to enter the army before University is true with a short term that means about 9 months, which means a much bigger split for me than the girl I loved, but that was and I did not have anywhere.
She was not allowed to come and visit because she was considered a foreign citizen (though I would have wanted it all the time) and when I was on the leave I had to hide to visit her without knowing the state authorities, it was risky because if I found out those in security would have followed me in the snake hole, and yet we all risked it very much and met so we enjoyed our freedom to be together for even a few hours.
I do not know if you realize, the risks I was subjected to, but the love for her true and pure.
And yet it has not worked for a long time. One day, I did propose to write to her a few words, because I had not seen her for a long time, and even if I was in the army, I assumed the risk by thinking that maybe they would not find out. What would have happened if by a few words I told her what I felt for her? Nothing important to others but to me, because that’s how I felt closer to my soul.
This letter, however, (put the lid on the pot) and gave the start to the nightmare to follow. A few days after sending the letter (the lawyer had been intercepted), I was called a colonel I had not heard of before, and I had never seen it, but of which I was told from certain sources that she was working on secret documents. I was sitting and thinking about what I had with the secret documents, because I had never seen it before. Strange is not it?
I presented myself to him because I did not have anywhere, and he told me to talk to him about myself. I was a bit disoriented because I did not know what to say about myself, but he insisted on me telling him, not realizing in those moments where he actually wanted to. From the discussions, I noticed that he knew many things about me, and even many sensitive things in the history of my existence, which confirmed to me that it was from security (or I’m praying from the state’s security) still not understanding what was actually the topic of the discussion and where it wanted to reach.
Young, even naive, I was not familiar with such discussions or versed in such discussions, not even with my parents. Finally, I actually realized what was the theme, that letter I was sending to Patricia, from army, my Romanian-German army colleagues, and actually my relationship with them. They even knew my appointments during the leave with her, things that I thought were my secrets, and not known to others.
I told him I was not talking to her about the army, military strategists, or I knew of military equipment, these being fabulous, of some who probably had nothing to do but the love that kissed me in the soul. Even with my friends we did not talk about it, I did not really care. My impression was that someone I was a friend with of mine just pounded me, why?
I do not know if he or she believed me or not, I care a little about it knowing that I did not do anything wrong with anyone, but he kept telling me that if I continue this way I may lose a lot, the exam admissions from the University and the quality of my student.
It was only then that I realized that it had gone from fine threats and threats to direct and harsh threats that honestly did not drop me well. Was I wronging with the regime? Finally, it was very clear what my friendship with the girl I loved had to stop, being a forbidden friendship for many, which was an obstacle to my future career as an engineer.
Anyone who knew that would have acted as I did, but inside my soul. It’s a very long move for me, a movement that has affected me enormously, and it’s very hard for me to come back.
I promised I would not write to her anymore, and among other things told me (intent not to) that it would be good, to go to tell him if I was questioned or asked by different people on military issues or other topics. But I have never done what happened to me as I was not their informant, but I just did not want to do this as a direct affront to human dignity and integrity as a human being.
Here is how, through an unfortunate accident, I came to know them and to understand that all the rumors of such practices were true, making a bad contour in my mind, that those who told such stories were real.
I was happy that the discussion had ended, and that I got rid of him quit cheaply, so it was in my mind, not realizing that they were following me to see what my intentions were.
And now I wonder what miserable intent could a 20-year-old have in those troubled times?
This is one of the reasons that today hate the talk about politics or politicians. Then I was thinking what I could do. But my great ambition I had, however, determined me to go forward with all the hardships I had been through, trying to accomplish something in my life that I would not be ashamed of later on.
Too many things I could not accomplish, as I wanted, I would have liked, I would have liked it, but those few things that I did have given me maximum satisfaction.
We’ve gone through times when if you had money you did not buy, and now it’s the same, you have what you buy but you do not have money. When I remember the power I once had to give up an innocent and pure love, innocence, because of external forces contrary to my interests, obscure, evil and evil forces, I am now darkening my sight, the more I realize more so that God showed me and enlightened the way, and guided me through this obscure shame filled with evil, thus protecting me.
Why do things have to be hell with us or our peers? Or is it a balance in the balance of life?
Otherwise, the reality is much harder, and then, most of the time, to escape, you close yourself in an ivory tower to protect yourself from the harmful forces and balance yourself as you want it. (Can psychologists today characterize it by a seemingly unpredictable, and finally what if?). You do not care. I often ask myself, what will I decide on my destiny from now on? I’m king, crazy or horse, on a 64-inch square in black and white…
May, 2nd / 2018